Online Dating Advice: Is He Wired To Cheat?

Copyright (c) 2011 Dirk Sayers

You don't have to spend much time snooping around online dating sites and blogs before cheating in some form comes up. Our fascination with it ranks up there with earthquakes, war and assassination attempts on government officials. A January 18th post by Charles Orlando entitled "Cheating Is in Our DNA" is the latest illustration I've found for that fascination. In it he states: "Monogamy isn't for everyone. In fact, many argue that it's not a natural state for men. In many ways, I think that those people are right. DNA-wise, both genders are driven by primal instincts to continue our species." Depending on who you ask, infidelity rates for both genders vary widely. Depending on which case you're trying to make, you can find statistics that can be construed to support your position. According to a study by the Journal of Sex Research, 80% of all women and 98% of all men "have frequent fantasies involving persons other than their partners." They go on to observe that the gender gap narrows in longer-term relationships, though they don't define what they mean by "longer."

Numbers like this beg a couple of questions.

1. Are we really wired in a way that is at odds with the (generally) accepted model of monogamy?
2. If I'm online looking for love (as opposed to companionship that is less formal, is the pool of available men more or less likely to stray?

I'll take these in order. My knee-jerk, unscientific answer to the first question is maybe. There have been any number of studies that have established that the next basic instinct after survival is procreation. Even essentially moralistic documents such as the Bible have examples of not instinctive but conscious decisions to eschew monogamy in favor of progeny and/or the survival of the clan/nation/religion. A more intriguing question to me is how will social evolution going forward affect our model of monogamy? As we live longer (if we continue to do so) will we continue to engage in serial monogamy as we "outgrow" relationships and re-pair with someone else? That seems to be our pattern now.

But what about later? Will we abandon monogamy altogether, as the myth of forever declines in the face of mounting empirical evidence? What other models/alternatives may emerge? Time will tell, of course. Whatever changes and however it comes, it certainly won't happen overnight. If I had to guess, it will not replace the long term, committed relationship, even if a more "flexible" alternative emerges that large numbers find attractive.

On a more practical level, if you're looking online for love, do you have to worry about the men you meet there being "ahead" of some hypothetical evolutionary social curve...making him more inclined to stray? My knee-jerk (and again, not scientific) answer is no. If anything, men who invest the time needed to construct a compelling profile worthy of response (you are holding out for that, right?) is more likely to be committed and enduringly so. There's just too much self-examination and self-revelation involved. The "player" looking for the quick score is unlikely to go there, much less be able to maintain a facade you won't be able to see through, if you just pay attention.

What do I mean? I thought you'd never ask! As you read a profile, ask yourself the same questions about him, that you (hopefully) asked and answered about yourself when you wrote your profile.

1. Who am I (Really)?
2. What do I want? (Again, really)
3. What do I bring to the table?

The difference being, of course, you're asking who he is, what does he want and what does he bring to the table. Read his profile for answers to those three questions. If he hasn't answered them, it's reasonable to expect he to do so before you invest much of your time in him...not to mention your heart. It's like "pre-qualifying" for a home. The seller wants to know if the buyer can perform before taking their home off the market. Similarly, you should consider your prospective last, best love's answers to these questions before you take your heart off the market. (Just my opinion...) However you look at it, you are your own be women's jackets st chance at avoiding being a victim. It's really not that hard.